


The Gang Adopts a Baby

by author_in_training99



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: 8th-bird, Episode: e060-066 The Stolen Century Parts 1-7, Found Family, Gen, Gen Work, Murder on the Rockport Limited, Original Character-centric, basically all tags that apply to canon will be added later, basically all the other arcs too, but if you want to project onto her as well thats cool, eighth-bird AU, if you've ever fantasized about being lovingly raised by the IPRE, strap in folks this is gonna be a REALLY long ride, the IPRE accidentally adopt a baby, this fic is for you, this is my OC who i love and project onto
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-15
Updated: 2019-05-20
Packaged: 2020-03-06 00:32:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18839977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/author_in_training99/pseuds/author_in_training99
Summary: Halfway through their century long journey across one hundred planar systems, the IPRE Crew accidentally gain an eighth member.It's a shame none of them know how to take care of a baby.





	1. The Gang Steals a Baby like They're Santa Claus in Elf.

**Author's Note:**

> ...hello, welcome to my TedTalk. this is my escapist fantasy: the ipre lovingly raise me and become my two mothers and five fathers and eventually i get a hot wife and i don't have anxiety. I feel like this is a relatable fantasy, so if you want to join me on this long, long OC insert of TAZ: Balance, here u go.

As they flew away from this plane, watching as pillars of black Hunger tore their 49th cycle apart, the seven of them knew something great was being lost once again. It was a feeling that had become increasingly familiar, though not less painful, in the past 50 years. This plane was something extraordinary: another people, another culture, another indescribable experience, and it didn’t even have much to offer its interplanar visitors.

They had few established civilizations, scattered populations, little massive infrastructure, but somehow there was no war. No poverty or want, either, and the most surprising element of this plane was their embrace of community. 

The people who lived there looked almost exactly like humans from the IPRE’s home world, the only visible exception being a few certain traits that seemed to be more randomly distributed than human genetics would allow. Whether it was golden, glinting irises, or metallic blue hair, or greenish skin, there was just a hint of difference between these people and humans like Barry, Lucretia, and Magnus. That, and their “divine lineage”.

It took the seven of them almost too long to discover that little quirk, but in their defence, the Aasimar were ridiculously humble for a people who descended from actual Gods. And it’s not like they had ever met people who weren’t celestial or holy in some way, so the Aasimar were, with reason, horrified and shocked when the IPRE revealed that they had no divinity. It also took Merle a long time to convince them that their Gods hadn’t “abandoned their creation” and attempt to drag them out of their existential horror. 

The lack of conflict on their planet made it a rare occurence to see an Aasimar use their celestial powers, but the closest they came to seeing it was a few months before the end of the year, when Barry finally tracked the Light of Creation to the depths of a gorge that looked like it extended into the void. The opening was too narrow to safely fly the Starblaster in, but when Davenport explained to the governing Aasimar of the region, she wouldn’t allow any of them to go in. 

“There is danger down there for even celestial beings, let alone beings with minimal magic,” she explained to Davenport, who was exasperated but still willing to do what needed to be done to get the Light.

“Governor, we need to retrieve the Light, or your world won’t-” Davenport tried to argue but the Governor wasn’t looking for a fight. 

“We’ve heard your story, Captain, and I promise we won’t keep you from doing your job. I cannot allow you are your crew to risk their lives in the Gorge, but that doesn’t mean we won't do all we can to find your Light,” she said with a smile, confusing and surprising all seven of them equally.

She and her people continued to surprise them, for the next two months, as they searched the Gorge tirelessly for the Light in a show of the true power behind their divine ancestry. The Governor herself would organize the volunteers willing to go down and joined them without hesitation. Together, they would line up along the edge of the Gorge, where Davenport confirmed was closest to the signal from the Light. At her signal, the line lit up, and it wasn’t til right then that the IPRE fully understood who these people were.

Each of them seemed to double in size as massive, glowing wings shot out of their backs. Some of them seemed made entirely of light, luminous and incorporeal. Others had wings that seemed to burn and flare red with righteous fury. There were some with wings like bats, made of a dark, glinting, dripping material that was both beautiful and terrifying. They were all terrifying. 

Their eyes, too, burst with light, and fire, and void. There were a few Aasimar with seemingly rare manifestations of power, like wings made from lightning, or carved from glowing blue glaciers, or wings that reflected sunlight in one hundred directions, too brilliant to look directly at and more beautiful than the most precious diamond. Insect wings that extended nearly the width of the Gorge itself, wings covered in shimmering scales, delicate butterfly wings ornamented with the most vibrant colors imaginable.

For a little over a month, the Aasimar dived deeper and deeper into the Gorge in search of the Light of Creation, but none recovered it, and the more the Gorge was disturbed, the more people returned with battle wounds as their prize. Soon, the Governor had to start asking the IPRE to search for volunteers farther and farther away, recruiting Aasimar from miles away to come risk their lives for something that obviously did not want to be found this time around. It wasn’t until less than a week before the Hunger arrived, after the Governor herself shot up out of the Gorge and onto the dirt with a massive, bloody slash through her wing, that Davenport decided nothing more could be done. 

Both the Aasimar and the IPRE knew what was coming next. But, brave and remarkable as ever, each of them spent the end of their time together in celebration. The Aasimar organized feasts and bonfires and dances and contests in a mish mash of all their big, annual holiday celebrations. 

Magnus and, surprisingly, Lucretia participated in archery competitions, finally putting to use the intricate and ornate bows and arrows, traditional weapons that the Aasimar spent the year teaching them how to carve. Lup and Taako cook around a giant wood fire, Taako showing off his transmutation magic and Lup making the flames dance around the audience, as they take a final turn cooking for their hosts. Barry and Merle sit in a group of Aasimar children, wearing nearly identical entranced expressions as the little ones around them as they listen to tales of mythology and stories of the Gods and Goddesses who gave the Aasimar their divinity. Stories of passion and war and victory and loss, elders telling children who they are and where they’ve come from, told with humility and compassion in a way that could spellbind anyone. Captain Davenport joined the Governor of the Gorge herself at the head of the festivities, and even joined her in a dance around the fire, much to the IPRE’s amusement, though the Governor did her best to compensate for the three foot advantage she had on him. 

The morning after their celebrations, no one mentioned the way the color drained from the rust-orange landscape of the Gorge, and no one mentioned how the Aasimar were dressed in armor for the first time in a year. Instead, Aasimar and IPRE alike helped load supplies and belongings onto the Starblaster. At the request of the Governor, Lup and Magnus gave the Aasimar warriors insight into their upcoming fight. Comforting insight, even if it was ineffective. 

And when the surge of black opal covered the sky, and pillars of it crashed down one after another, unceasingly, Davenport took off as always. The six others stood at the railing of the deck, the magic-users among them shooting whatever range attacks they had, doing all they could to delay the inevitable. 

They watched as hundreds of pairs of beautiful, terrifying, dangerous wings sprouted from hundreds of backs, and continued to watch as the Aasimar rained Hell onto the Hunger. They were powerful, incomparable warriors, one of the few armies that had been able to destroy whole pillars of Hunger. Lightning and fire and radiant harm traveled up pillars, cracking them and making the Hunger seize. Had they retrieved the light, the Aasimar might have actually defended their home with incredible deftness, destroyed the Hunger more thoroughly than imaginable, and their lives would have been nearly untouched.  
But they hadn’t retrieved the Hunger. And there was nothing to be done. 

As they rocketed away from this plane, the home of the Aasimar, the heavy, painful guilt that had become more and more routine in the past 50 years surged in each of them. It was always hard to ignore when they couldn’t save a plane, but seeing a plane that could have defended itself so well had they just done their job made ignorance impossible. For that short escape, and as they were ripped into light and reformed, and as they flew down toward a new plane, a new people, another culture, another cycle, the seven felt the weight that grew each and every time they did this dance. They felt in their bones all the years that were wiped away at the beginning of each cycle, and they all wondered, if just for a split second as they laid their eyes on the new plane below them, “Why?”

The question as to what exactly they were working towards, why they couldn’t just be done with the mission already, why they had to keep losing and letting people die, was a question without an answer. One that hurt to ask, so they all tried not to. 

And in this cycle as well, they let the weight of guilt, and helplessness, and anger, sit on their shoulders for one minute before shrugging it off, as they had for the past five decades, and flew down to meet the next stop in their mission.

With determination and resolve, Davenport started circling and scouting the plane, shouting the usual orders to his crew. Some took up watch along the deck, Lucretia took up her spot beside Davenport, busily finishing her entries about their escape from the last plane and starting on their entrance to a new one, and Barry left to the lab to start setting up the Light tracker, getting it ready for use as soon as the Light decided to join them. 

Their serious, somber tone was shattered when Barry walked back onto the deck in a confused daze, tracker in hand and unnoticed by his friends who were studying the terrain below them. With another confused glance towards the interior of the Starblaster, Barry wandered father out onto the deck and raised his voice saying,

“Um, hey, guys? Do any of you, uh, know if we've got anything in the ship that would… make sounds like a, I don’t know, like a baby?”


	2. The Gang Chooses Sides

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Problem: A crew of interplanar vigilante heroes trying to save the world have a stow-away. Who is also a baby. Do they keep the baby and raise it in constant, life-threatening danger, or do they drop it off at the nearest civilization and forget this every happened?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to thank carly rae jepsen's new album "Dedicated" for this chapter, couldn't have done it without u babe.

“So… has anyone here ever _actually_ interacted with a baby before?” Lup breaks the silence with a tone that reflected the growing incredulity on everyone’s faces.

They had been standing in the Starblaster kitchen for more than a minute staring at this… baby. An actual living baby that they had discovered in one of the base cabinets in the kitchen after Barry called their attention to what he said sounded like “infant gurgling noises”. Now they’re standing around the dining table, Taako and Lup mirroring each other with slight frowns and arms crossed, Magnus’s excitement and confusion obviously warring on his face, Davenport somehow looking both expressionless and disappointed, and Lucretia hovering her pen just above the page of her journal, all watching as this mysterious baby whacks a spoon on the table like the table did something to deserve it.

In response to Lup, Magnus raises his hand and opens his mouth to respond.

“Let me rephrase,” Lup says, holding up her own hand to cut him off. “Has anyone here ever _taken care_ of a baby before?”

With that Magnus lowers his hand. Davenport snaps out of his shocked state and turns to stare at Lup and Taako.

“Please tell me this is some sort of joke,” Davenport says, moving to pinch the bridge of his nose, a pose he often takes when talking to the twins.

“Unfortunately, no, this one’s _not_ on us,” Lup responds, still not taking her eyes off the baby. 

Taako is in a similar trance, though he adds, “I wish we could get into it, but I don’t think we have the time to unpack the fact that you would suspect us of kidnapping, let alone kidnapping just for the humor of it. I’d like to think our comedy is above that, Cap’n’port.”

Davenport ignores him, as usual, and throws his arms in the air, “Then _how_ did this _baby_ get aboard the Starblaster? It couldn’t have just appeared here!”

“I bet it just accidentally crawled aboard while we were loading up, Captain,” Lucretia says, rational as always. “Maybe it wandered into an open cabinet and got stuck, or fell asleep, or just… really liked it in there? Who knows-” 

“Hey guys! …When did we get a baby?” says Merle, who was, unfortunately, taking his customary “first dump of the year” when Barry had made his announcement to the deck, and who was in the bathroom at the time of the Important Baby Discovery. The addition of a clueless Merle to the situation does nothing to ease the anxiety of the room. Lucretia puts her journal down on the counter so she can free up a hand to hang her head in, Davenport nearly starts vibrating at this point, and Barry keeps visibly flinching and halfway throwing his hands up on either side of the table whenever the baby so much as wiggles, ready to catch her if need be. 

“We didn’t _get_ a baby, Merle, there just happens to now be a baby on our ship,” Davenport answers, somehow becoming even more exasperated. “What we were discussing while you were ‘wrecking’ our biggest bathroom was _why_ exactly this baby is on our ship. Any ideas?”

“Maybe someone put her in there. Like, on purpose?” Taako says. The six others pause their own individual panics and turn to look at Taako.

Barry clears his throat awkwardly, “Taako, that’s… That’s pretty messed up, bud.”

“Okay, sure, but that doesn’t mean it’s not a possibility!”

“Taako could be right,” Lucretia says. “Though, I don’t think it was done maliciously. It doesn’t make sense for her to have been abandoned, but what if they were trying to save her?” 

They all look back at the baby on the table. She had stopped hitting the table and had started trying to put the entire spoon in her tiny mouth. For a minute they just watched her; stopped the thoughts sprinting around their heads, stopped asking questions, or wondering about the details, or looking at her like a mystery or a threat or impossible, and just saw her. Just a baby. A baby in extraordinary circumstances, but still a baby. 

A baby with no family, or people, or home. 

“Well, she’s here now, so _how_ she got here is not really our problem. We should be more worried about what happens now,” Davenport says, sighing.

Lup nods, “Well, Cap’n’port, I think it’s pretty obvious that-“

“That she can’t stay with us on the Starblaster, Lup,” Davenport interrupts her, not totally knowing what Lup was going to say, but knowing that he didn’t want to hear it. Obviously, judging by the open-mouthed look of horror Lup gives him in response, leaving the baby was not what she was going to suggest.

“What are you- we can't just _dump_ this baby on a plane we know nothing about, with people we don’t know, and for what? Just because you’re afraid of changing diapers?”

“Lup, you know that’s not the only reason-”

“Ah! So you admit you’re afraid of changing diapers!”

“No, Lup, listen to me--”

“Sorry, Davenport, unless you’re gonna say ‘You’re right, Lup, just like always, and this _is_ our baby! She is adorable, and pudgy, she’s a miracle, and definitely _ours_!’ I’m afraid I _won’t_ listen to you,” Lup said, scooping up the baby and holding her, arms outstretched, in Davenport’s face, wiggling her to emphasize her point. 

Davenport does not look very impressed with the view, “We can’t keep this baby, Lup, you know that! This isn’t about wanting or not wanting to keep this baby, it’s about everything on this ship, and everywhere this ship takes us could kill this baby! We can barely keep _ourselves_ alive for a year at a time, let alone something at is entirely dependent on us. I mean, we all remember what happened to Magnus’ goldfish from a dozen cycles back.”

“Hey, that wasn’t my fault though, the salesperson said the fish was magical and I took that to mean he didn’t need food! It was false advertising!”

“That fish’s death was all on Magnus, Cap, don’t drag the rest of us into it,” Lup says, as Magnus surreptitiously takes a step away from Lup and the baby at the reminder of his track record with tiny lifeforms. “Besides, if seven geniuses with more life experience than probably anyone in the universe can’t raise a baby, then who can we expect to do it? Some interplanar strangers who could be total freaks?”

Barry steps around the table to look Lup in the eye, “This isn’t- Lup, I know you won’t agree with me on this, but a baby is not something you can keep alive just through sheer willpower. Sure, technically the Starblaster could be the safest place for her, but it’s still the most dangerous! We never know what’s coming next, and can you guarantee we can keep an infant safe from all that?”

“Yes, I can.”

“Lup, tell me, honestly, if you think that keeping this baby is what’s best for her,” Davenport says, and for a moment as Lup brings the baby out of Davenport’s face and onto her hip, it looks like she considers his side in the argument. Then her expression shifts to something more sad than angry.

“No one can give her what’s best for her. What’s best for her was just eaten by the Hunger. I just want us to do that best that _we_ can.”

Lucretia finally closes her journal around her pen, page still blank, and steps toward Lup just in time to keep the baby from eating a fistful of Lup’s hair. “I think she’s right, Captain Davenport. We couldn’t save the last plane, and they-- this baby lost everything. The only reason she’s even on the ship is because we didn’t save her home. It’s our responsibility to fix that," she says.

She’s our responsibility now.”

“But, Lucretia, isn’t it kinda messed up if we, like, adopt this baby out of guilt?” Barry asks, watching with the rest of them as the baby flings her spit-covered spoon to the ground. 

“Barry, that’s not what she meant,” Magnus says, hesitantly picking up the sticky spoon with two fingers. “I mean, we’re the only ones who know who she is, or where she came from, or what she’s going to grow into! Don’t we owe it to her to give her the life she deserves?”

“And as far as I’m concerned,” Lup adds, “She’s one of us. Home lost to the Hunger, last one of her kind, interplanar travel under her belt already… That’s IPRE material, baby!” 

Davenport bows his head, losing ground in this argument faster by the minute. Barry, too, looks more conflicted than would seem possible. The baby now wants her spoon back, stretching her tiny arm out toward Magnus and garbling quietly. 

“Let’s do this democratically, then! Obviously, Lucretia and I agree on keeping the baby. Barry and Cap’n’port want to ditch her. Taako, what are you thinking?”

Taako heaves a dramatic sigh, shaking his head slightly. “Okay, you know I support you no matter what… But let’s be real, if it were up to me I would’ve t-shirt cannoned that baby off the ship an hour ago. Taako’s style doesn’t really scream ‘BabyBjorn,’ you know?”

“Alright, okay-”

“And, like, are you guys gonna ask me to transmute baby mush for it? Me? With my magic? That’s what you want me to use my talent for?”

“Taako, we get it, we _get_ it!” Lup interrupts, her glare promising Taako a nice, long, private chat later. “Merle? What about you?”

Merle doesn’t speak for a full minute, gaze pensive as he stares at the baby in Lup’s arms. 

“I… am still confused. I thought we couldn’t bring people with us between planes?”

The tension that had built while Merle was contemplating immediately dissipated, punctuated by Davenport’s quite exclamation of, “Please, just kill me.”

“Well, Merle, if you think about it, we brought Fisher, and she looks vaguely Fisher-sized. Right?” Magnus says, and both he and Merle tilt their heads slightly, trying to picture the baby next to Fisher. She is nearly Fisher-sized.

“So I guess Merle is undecided. Which makes a tie, so, good on you Merle,” Lup says.

“...Thank you?”

“That wasn’t a compliment, Merle,” Lucretia says quietly.

Merle starts to protest, but Davenport interrupts him, saying, “Tie or not, the decision has already been made. We are not keeping her.”

“Davenport, just listen-”

“No, Lup, I am still the Captain of this ship and everyone on it, and I say we cannot afford a baby on this mission,” he says, pulling rank on his family for the first time in a long time, which is enough to shake all of them out of arguing. 

“We’ll scout this plane, just like always, and when we find someone who would be willing to take care of the baby, we’ll let her go. We still have a job to do," he says, taking a pause to look at the baby for a moment, "And a baby will do nothing to help us with it. We’ll take babysitting shifts until then,” He finishes, listing orders as quickly and confidently as ever. Lup doesn’t look at him as he walks out onto the deck, silently handing the baby to Lucretia as she wraps her crimson robe into a makeshift sling that she slides the baby into when she’s done. 

The crew slowly, quietly file out behind Davenport, stares lingering on the baby-shaped lump in Lup’s robe. Lucretia, Merle, Magnus and Barry all head toward the deck, leaving Taako to deal with his sister’s frustration. 

Only, Taako knew that Lup was a woman beaten but not broken, as always. The second Davenport left the kitchen, her angry, betrayed expression shifted to something more devious and determined. Taako sighs lightly, not as put on as before, and says, “Really think about this one, Lup. You still can’t change a diaper, you know”

“I’ll learn,” she says, looking up from the baby and leaning in conspiratorially. “We’re not leaving this baby, Taako, I promise you that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was a lot of dialogue! i am Sorry! That the plot is moving slower than the crawl of this mortal coil! we will get to Action and Activity soon.,., i Think.., i love comments! and Kudos!

**Author's Note:**

> kudos & comments are so appreciated, if you subscribe, just know that you are braver than the U.S. Marines.


End file.
